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Here are some examples from [Mental Health Hotline].

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have [multiple personalities], press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
[one] will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
[representative] comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.

And...if you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

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