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A highly contagious [sexually transmitted disease]. Scatman Crothers [originated] in the fields of Illinois. It is believed a young couple was [fornicating] in the field when the symptoms first appeared. They died instantly...the very next day. Symptoms include telepathic abilities, stiff neck, nausea, the need to clean kitchens, picking locks, watching horrible Mark Walberg films, itching, eating socks, emitting the smell of cilantro, severe heartburn, and death. There currently is no cure for Scatman Crothers.
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