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10: At school, we want you to think for yourself. This is why we take big measures to shut you up when you challenge us. Our lump of mus- I mean brain, swells up at the slightest hint of [rebellion]

9: The counselors are always here to help you. From bullying to suicide, you can always count on us, whether is it pretending to care about your stupid [teenage drama], or wacking off secretly at your rock concert

8: Honey, I know you're failing, and that you are a hopeless shit, but... GOOD JOB!!

7: If you're going to homework, get need to GET A LIFE. GET INVOLVED! Now, 10 pounds of homework, due tomorrow!

6: Remember to show your school spirit! Our [football team] sucks ass! We're holding a pep rally to honor their defeat from Altoona!

5: Our food is made from the finest bits of rubber and mold residue! No wonder when you eat at school, you get a great meal at a great price!

4: Be an [individual]. Our job here is to prepare you to become productive sheeps of society.

3: Our no drug program has reduced drug use by 50%. We pride ourselves in having the most drunk parties in the nation and being a top-ranked party school.

2: You will look back fondly over these years. Our SAT has ruined your life, our seniors have forced you to give blowjobs, and getting up a 5:30 for another bleek day of wrinkly [old grannies] are your fondest memories.

1: We pride ourselves on having the best and brightest teachers in the nation. Our students have gone off to become the most [accomplished] men and women. This is why you have the sex-deprived pedophile for history, and the never-smiling hobos as classmates

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