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I haven't read the Bible, but here's what I've deduced about Jesus from watching Fox News:

1.)  Jesus is a die-hard Republican.  He  spends a lot of his time reading books by Ann Coulter and appearing at fundraisers for groups like Focus on the Family.

2.)  Jesus was among the earliest proponents for the invasion of Iraq, and even today He sees the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians as a necessary price to pay for installing a western-style democracy in Iraq.

3.)  Jesus is an outspoken proponent of supply-side economics, which favor tax cuts to the wealthy.  He's also a huge fan of Ronald Reagan.

4.)  Jesus thinks that poor people are poor because they are lazy.

5.)  Jesus is appalled by same-sex marriage.  He thinks that [straight people] who hate each other have more of a right to be married than two gay people who love each other.  Jesus strongly feels that a person's sexuality is a matter of choice.

6.)  Jesus does not believe that [global warming] is caused by humans.  He also thinks that [intelligent design] should be taught in science classes.

7.)  Jesus supports capital punishment, and that's why He desperately wanted [George W. Bush] to be president, and He couldn't be more pleased with how the Bush [Administration] turned out.

8.)  Jesus never misses the O'Reilly factor.  And He absolutely hates the Colbert Report.

9).  Jesus is radically opposed to a provision of health care to all citizens.  He thinks it would lead to a welfare state.

10.  And finally, Jesus is really upset that Barack Obama won the 2008 election.  He has decided that a second coming will be necessary, and He will rapture people into the heavens on the basis of their party affiliations and campaign contributions.

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