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A very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun.  Has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the Alaskan wilderness. Currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn't have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms.  He dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky ass.  No acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a dick in your throat and be able to mumble "Mission Accomplished".  In order to kill like Seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flatest of surfaces.  (No reloading is required, your ammo is endless). Every movie is made with his character having the name "John", "Jack", or "Casey".  In order to write a plot for a Seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman.  Then Seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above.  He must do battle with Columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers.  Then Seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner.  While the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.

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