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1. The one and only way to fast-track oneself to normalcy, coolness and widespread respect as a student at Penn; possession of copious amounts of hallucinogens, gyros or Argentinian sex slaves will also grant you access to this exclusive club but is generally frowned upon.

2. Your best experience Freshman year, perhaps during your entire college career. [You will see] your friends from PQ on campus and share with them forever a sacred bond. Those lowly friends who did not attend will frown and cry at not having been a part of this seminal experience. Do not pity them.

3. A pre-Fall Semester excursion to the Pennsylvania wilderness that is the dreaded Poconos- a magical place otherwise known for mediocre skiing and skeezy love motels. Three days of hiking, Mafia, soccer, ultimate, and utter awesome will make you rethink your stupid applications to other schools the previous spring. (Interestingly enough, Yale will have burned down during the trip, and every [Princetonian] will have been ravaged by a gang of howler monkeys by the time you return to campus for NSO).

Approx. [120] young applicants to [the Greatest] [University] on Earth will enter one of five school buses with only their wits and bare necessitites about them, scared entirely shitless. They will return to campus as true Women and Men, having been provided with the tools necessary for survival and success at Penn: namely, an admirable knowledge of Penn Fight Songs, a strong sense of belonging to a group of smelly, bizarre albeit lovable people, and the pride of having mooned the other buses for two hours straight. The creepy driver probably even gave you a high five afterwards.

You will never forget PQ. It's basically like [Project Mayhem], without chemical burns, anarchy or [schizophrenia], and a whole lot more fun.

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