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Jeremy A kind-hearted legend with a heart of gold and a massive appetite that could bankrupt a small country. This guy is so sweet he would give you the shirt off his back, right after he finishes eating [everything] at the buffet and probably the buffet table too. Weighing in at about 500 pounds of pure love and zero cardio, this [absolute unit] is built like a couch cushion, except the cushion is made of snacks. Despite having the stamina of a sloth on vacation and moving at seismic-event speeds, this man somehow made it onto the varsity team. It's either pure luck, coach [favoritism], or the refs were too scared to say no. We tease him nonstop for “eating the world” one family-sized portion at a time. “Jeremy doesn’t do laps; he causes earthquakes.” Or, “When Jeremy runs, the ground gets indigestion.” But deep down, we love our chubby-cheeked, planet-sized king. He’s the guy who’d still show up to help you move, after one more slice. Examples: “Yo, where’s Jeremy?” “Earthquake just hit the cafeteria—must be him loading up tray #4.” “Jeremy, you gonna run the mile?” “[Heavy breathing] just from standing up. Nah bro, I’m pacing myself for the all-you-can-eat after.”

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