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Definition: A so-called “South Asian music festival” in Malta where the plane ride over already looks like a Ryanair flight to Hell. Half off the fuddu’s from endz are there, armed with counterfeit LV man-bags, three spritzes of Sauvage, and a dream of piping someone else’s missus.

The mandem: Harpz, Yuvraj, and Gurj “VR6 swap” Sandhu are posted up by the pool, flexing topless in their Boss shorts, sipping Jameson like it’s a casual Tuesday night at the Prince of Wales. The girls: Simran, Nav, Preeti, and TikTok sensation wannabe Sharanjit, are lined up in PrettyLittleThing dresses that could be mistaken for dental floss, Snapchatting their nails while their man back home is refreshing her location on Snapchat.

By Day 2, every villa has turned into a Punjabi gangbang. Simran “just went for a shisha” but ended up on a sunlounger with three kanjars from Handsworth who took turns playing helicopter with their cocks in time to Sidhu Moose Wala remixes. Nav swore she was only going “to see the vibes” but got Eiffel Towered so many times by lads from Hounslow her passport photo doesn’t even look like her anymore. Meanwhile, the uncles back home are on Facebook typing: “Proud to see our youth breaking borders ✊🏽🔥” having no idea Preeti is right now is getting pipe’d with three Slough roadmen while someone live-streams it on Insta. If you let your girl go here, you are a certified fuddu. She’s not coming back tan - she’s coming back with PTSD flashbacks every time she hears a dhol.

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