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In the US, townies are a variety of resident of Massachusetts (which they will often refer to as “the Commonwealth” — e.g., “I couldn’t find an open packy in the whole Commonwealth”). Closely related to the “Masshole,” townies are often found in places like Revere and Chelmsford (only Wellesley is wholly townie-free). The townie is extremely proud of his Massachusetts parochialism and may not know that the Berkshires exist.

If the townie attends college at all, it is most likely the state college in his hometown (e.g., Bridgewatah State), which the townie will often refer to as “13th grade.” Despite the townie college experience involving being reunited with one’s high school chums, the townie will typically drop out mid-second semestah, whereupon he will most often pursue a life of “landscapin’ in the summah and snowplowin’ in the wintah,” often in pahtnahship with high school chums.

The townie hyperbolically enjoys Boston sports and vacations exclusively in Hyannis, which, despite its connections to the Kennedy family, is mostly strip malls and Super 8s.

Notable examples of townies include the entire Affleck family.

Townies have been depicted in media in “Beautiful Girls,” on “SNL” by J. Fallon and R. Dratch, and most famously in “Good Will Hunting,” the “Citizen Kane” of townieism (with Ben Affleck giving an Oscah-worthy performance as Ben Affleck).

Townies and Dunkin’ Donuts have a complex symbiotic relationship that Hahvuhd sociologists are still unable to explain.

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