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A survival guide; starting your day via the basketball courts, beware the health & safety police dressed as traffic cones. All traffic cones must be greeted with “good morning” while you are surveyed for uniform violations. One morning a week students assemble outside for ‘morning address’ while being instructed by the school poetry society about respect and how not to be lazy. Hardcore weed smoker or vaper? Head on over to the basketball courts at breaktime to find your fellow roadmen, they always like new members to their exclusive club. Be warned, you will be expected to form a squid game of Nokia snake as you queue for the canteen at lunchtime and should you make the last level, the final boss will perform another uniform check before allowing entry to get your gruel.

Taking your exams soon? Watch out for the crusty invigilators who are trained to shout at students and expect everyone to cheat. Need the toilet on breaks? Don’t sneak in to out-of-bound toilets for your year group, you might just have iron shackles around your ankles while you’re frog-marched past your mates on the way to detention.

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