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A case of [cancer] bestowed upon a person, by the [universe], in retribution for being an asshole. The severity, prognosis, and degree of suffering endured by the deserving victim are in direct proportion to the scale and egregiousness of the victim's [history] of being an asshole. The majority of cases are not terminal, suggesting that [universe] intends these cases to be painful and expensive wake-up calls for the affected assholes. In terminal cases of Karmacinoma, it appears that the [universe] is unleashing its oncogenic wrath as a means of purging the most flagrant assholes from [society].

Upon contracting Karmacinoma, no acts of contrition, apologies, or promises to modify behavior have been shown to mitigate the severity or duration of the disease. In cases where the victim survives the illness, such acts and sustained follow-though on them have been shown to extend remission, often indefinitely. Recurrent cases of Karmacinoma carry a 100% terminal prognosis, a clear indication that the universe does not appreciate disregard of a clear and intended wake-up call.

Research has concluded that there is some minimum threshold of being an asshole that must be exceeded before the universe metes out its malignant vengeance on a [target] victim, suggesting that the universe tolerates some level of asshole behavior. This finding is supported by the empirical observation that every single person is an asshole occasionally, yet not everyone has [cancer].

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