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Finnius comes from the latin term for fondle or to fondle. He is hung like a jackal on heat and can drink more than a thirsty bavarian who has been stuck in a dessert for a year and a half. He looks like the cancerous scrotum of a hunched-over man on a humid afternoon. Finnius' pick-up tactics are sometimes described as Stephen Hawking talking dirty, and as such, he often is successful with high school P.E. teachers. Finnius was not born - he was cultivated from embryonic stem cells to be the perfect human. However, things went horribly wrong during the fourth month of his mother's pregnancy. She suffered a horrific upper cut, crippling her and forcing her to wait out the final trimester in a cave. Finnius spent the first two years of his life in a beaker, subsisting off the shriveled limbs of amputees.

Finnius is a simple man with few luxuries in life bar a subscription to Men's Fitness and a proclivity for whipping it out in public. His is also the proud owner of a safe deposit box stocked with flannel and wood shavings for use during lumberjack role-play. He has few friends, in part due to his tendency to leave passive aggressive post-it notes, but also due to his persistent 30 Rock references. Finnius' dreams include but are not limited to: being the on-tour tap dance choreographer for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers; growing his beard until it intertwines with his pubic hair; breaking the Guinness World Record for longest possible time to repair a moped.

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