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A Lintlicker is a distant relative of the modern day Jew. Today, Lintlickers can be found in secluded sections of Oregon, USA, and also, though rarely recorded, in populated parts of Alaska. Commonly, Lintlickers are found to be afflicted by belonephobia (i.e., a fear of needles), and also arachnophobia, a fear of spiders.

Lintlickers are quite akin to human beings, and it is in fact rather difficult to distinguish between a human being and a Lintlicker, when one is encountered. Their physiology is identical, and therefore it can be a daunting task to differentiate between the two. However, there do exist myriad ways in which a person might identify a Lintlicker, should one come across such a rare specimen: Linterlickers: are physically dependent on Doritos and Cottage Cheese, however, if these do not work, they can also be baited with Jack Daniels whiskey, to which they are quite attracted.

A word of caution: Should you encounter a Lintlicker in its natural habitat, i.e., a Barnes and Noble store, beware that it will approach you with an incredibly cocky attitude and it will think that it's the shit. But beware, Lintlickers are not always 'the shit', they just want you to think that they are. The best way to deal with a Lintlicker, should you come across one, is to call it rude, or, if the situation is critical, locate an egg and smash it upon its head, in so doing you will render it helpless and allow yourself ample opportunity to escape.

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