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Horny Eye Syndrome (HES) is an affliction rising from a lack of sexual intercourse, and can often prove to be quite dangerous. It is chiefly suspected when a person of prior good taste selects a heinous individual and genuinely acts as if that person is sexually attractive. It is mainly an optical problem, as the eyes of the HES sufferer have been reprogrammed by the brain and seek out the opposite sex to admire, regardless of appearance. However, since the brain has implemented this new system in an attempt to get its owner laid, and thus prevent itself from being shot out of its nice cosy head, this can also be classed as a psychological issue.

Symptoms include:

Flirting with any member of the opposite sex aged 16-100 Watching enough porn to mentally corrupt Satan Breaking off, mid sentence, to stare at an extremely unimpressive person Suddenly considering hoody wearing chavs to be sexy Shocking outbursts of temper and/or crying Muttering "I would!" after every mildly attractive person passes Acting like a hyperactive, oversexed teen every time a genuinely attractive person comes into view.

Treatment involves either; A group of generous friends willing to pay for a prostitute. A REALLY generous friend of the opposite sex, Sex with a totally horrifying person, (Which ususally leads to immediate self diagnosis of HES as soon as the act is complete) Wanking oneself into a coma.

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