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An extremely beautiful country that would be so much better were it not tainted by a population of needlessly bitter, tight-fisted, narrow-minded, hateful, racist, alcoholic hypocrites.

Scottish culture generally revolves around slurring excruciatingly boring poetry out loud, glassing people in pubs, harping on about battles fought against the English many hundreds of years ago and eating food so calorific that even Americans might consider it unhealthy. The Scots are also noted for having their station signs pointlessly written in Gaelic as well as English, pebbledashed urban environments that would make any visitor consider suicide and a penchant for throwing telegraph poles short distances.

Politically, the Scottish enjoy an independent parliament, though this opportunity for self-rule has hitherto failed to halt the migration to London of many of Scotland’s most inept politicians to take leading roles in the Cabinet, including that of Prime Minister. This tiresome trend has been justifiably viewed with disdain by the English, as it was for so long their impression that Scots were ‘not British’ and that they ‘hate the English’.

Scottish contributions to the world include peaty whisky, shortbread and the Edinburgh Festival – a celebration of street busking. Manufacturing is generally limited to making crappy ‘Ecosse’ car stickers for use by non-resident Scots so everyone else knows that there’s another Jock tool behind the wheel.

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