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A city in western Spain, located on top of a big, flat mountain. It was made famous thanks to a battle at which the Duke of [Wellington]’s British and Portuguese troops thrashed the French while the Duke’s Spanish allies enjoyed a relaxing siesta after a hearty lunch of pig (see “Cuisine” below).

PEOPLE - Populated by a curious mixture of Castilian locals (“Salmantinos”) and American students. For nine months of the year, the Salmantinos walk [the streets], wearing at least four layers of clothing, a hat, scarf and gloves, and complaining about the cold. For the other three months, they wear at least two layers of clothing and a hat, and complain about the heat. At all times, the Americans walk [the streets], remarking that [everything] is “gee, really neat”. Both the Salmantinos and Americans secretly wished that they lived in Andalusia.

CLIMATE - Cold, very cold, f**king freezing, or f**king boiling.

ACCENT - The Salmatinos (unsuccessfully) mimick the accent of their better-spoken neighbours, the good people of Valladolid.

CUISINE - The Salmantinos enjoy a varied diet of roast pig, pork sausages and ham, sometimes eating a stew made with all three and a few boiled chickpeas thrown in. Fish lovers can choose from trout stuffed with ham or trout wrapped in ham.  On special occasions (see below), it is traditional to eat a pig pasty.

SPECIAL OCCASIONS - On the [second Monday] after [Easter Sunday], the Salmantinos celebrate the return of [prostitutes] to the city following Lenten abstinence. Female Salmantinos bake a pig pasty which is eaten by male Salmantinos so they have lots of energy for their evening in the puticlub (brothel).

MONUMENTS - The Plaza Mayor features a plaque to the City’s founder, the Duke of [Wellington]. Not content with one cathedral, the city has two - both of which are quite good.

THINGS TO DO - Learn genuine Salamancan Spanish - “¡Ay, qué frío! ¡Ay, qué calor! ¡Ojalá viviera en Andalucía!" - with a genuine Salamancan accent - “Gee, Salamanca es una ciudad realmente neat!”. Alternatively, catch a train to Portugal, Avila or Valladolid.

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