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The self-proclaimed "Pride of the Poconos," Stroudsburg High School is famous for many things, including its lunchroom staff, who currently collectively hold the world record for fitting the largest sticks possible up their asses, its splendid security staff, whose captain won this year's Greased Pig Contest (although he soon [realized] it wasn't a pig, it was actually one of the other security officers), its highly nutritional and incredibly delicious lunches, consisting mostly of greasy, overcooked pizzas and calzones, and half-heartedly assembled hoagies (although, by the way the ham tastes, it would appear that they used the pig from that contest listed above to make them), its nursing staff's incredible ability to cure any illness or injury with ice (not their fault, they're not allowed to give out anything else), and most [importantly] of all, its incredible [climate control], enabling the history hallway to be a sauna, while the science wing can be magically transformed into wetlands overnight. Oh, and did I forget to mention the new classrooms? Yes, they brought them in [on the back] of a few flat-bed trucks, and now they sit in the parking lots, taking up valuable [parking space] that the school board is always griping about not having. ...They're also the only rooms in the school that have air conditioning. Doesn't this all make you wish you went here?

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