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Carson is a walking, talking cautionary tale usually found in a cloud of exhaust and burning motor oil, clutching the steering wheel of a 1998 Chevy Silverado that’s 60% rust, 30% Bondo, and 10% active fire hazard. Treats starting grass fires with a road flare as “backyard landscaping.” Considers a “patina” anything that isn’t currently on fire. Has replaced every fluid in his truck with whatever was on sale at the gas station (current cocktail: 2-stroke oil, Monster Energy, and optimism). Intelligence level hovers somewhere between “racoon with a lighter” and “guy who tries to weld with a cigarette. Life motto: “If it ain’t on fire, it ain’t fixed.”
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