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Garth (noun) — A Gaarf running at maximum corruption. A Garth is the networking gremlin who treats cable management like foreplay and gets more turned on by a straight fiber run than by actual human affection. His idea of intimacy is whispering sweet nothings to a switch during a firmware upgrade.

A Garth (aka Gaarf) supports a Portuguese football team with the kind of blind, horny loyalty usually found only in dogs and drunk uncles. When Portugal loses, a Garth collapses emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically — like a router someone kicked one too many times.

Traits of a full-power Garth include: • labeling EVERYTHING, including things that shouldn’t be labeled • going feral when someone uses the wrong cable colour • throwing a fit so dramatic it should be on Netflix • lecturing you on “industry standards” while his life is held together with hope, zip ties, and rage • getting more offended by a messy rack than by an insult to his mother

A Garth’s personality is 60% networking, 30% football delusion, and 10% sweating aggressively whenever something is out of place. Touch his patch panel and he’ll appear out of nowhere like a demon summoned by untidy cabling.

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