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A half-functioning fishing captain powered by nicotine, meth, and pure coastal paranoia. Captain Crank is the guy screaming about government satellites while freebasing off tin foil in the engine room of a rusted-out commercial boat—or chain-smoking through a guided trip while cussing at seagulls and mumbling about “the deep state tracking red snapper migrations.”

Not to be confused with an old salty dog—Captain Crank isn’t wise, he’s wired. You’ll know him by the jerky hand movements, a permanent squint (either from sun damage or sleep deprivation), and the overwhelming scent of bait, diesel, and regret.

Spotting Characteristics:

- Yellowed mustache from years of inhaling tinfoil smoke

- Boat held together by zip ties, duct tape, and spite

- Knows exactly where the fish are… but won’t tell you unless you “wake up to what’s really going on”

- Listens exclusively to ham radio frequencies and Joe Rogan clips from 2016

- Will fight you and the harbor patrol if you touch his bait cooler

Common Habitats:

- Commercial fishing boats with suspicious burn marks near the bilge

- Charter docks where someone just got fired or disappeared

- VFW bars with broken pool tables

- Forums arguing that fish finders are government mind-control devices

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