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They are the most sinister birds. You know loose threads on you favorite t shirt? Purple kiwis. You know all the random and probably unnessesary dials in micrwaves, [dishwashers], washing machines, ovens, and other assorted [appliances]? Purple kiwis. You know when plastic bottles seem really hard to open because your hand keeps slipping? Purple kiwis grease them up. You know when the toilet seat is unreasonably cold? Purple kiwis. You know when the tiolet seat is unnervingly warm? Purple kiwis. You know when the drawstrings to your sweatshirt get pulled too much on one end and it gets stuck inside the hood? Purple kiwis. You know those little plastic thingies that are used to attach tags to shirts that you should probably cut with scissors but your too lazy and when you try to pull it you just rip the tag off and the [plastic thingy] is still there and even though you could get scissors you decide to keep trying to pull it off but you cant because its too small and when you give up and just wear it, it is really itchy and you finally go and get scissors but you cant find any? Purple kiwis. You know [autocorrect]? [You know that] feeling when you have an itch but you cant find the exact place and you end up looking like a leper with all of your scratching? Purple kiwis. You know when bags of chips have a total of two and a half chips in them? Purpe kiwis. They may look cute when you see them, watch out. They are malicious creatures who crave suffering. They hail from [Old] Zealand.

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