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Illinois consists of two parts: Chicago, and the black abyss beneath it.  Chicago is known all around the world for producing many things, being windy, and the mafia. But I’m not going to tell you about Chicago, you all seem pretty well-informed of it already. I’m going to tell you about …. Central Illinois. (“What? What did she say? There’s a CENTRAL Illinois?”) The only reason I could see anyone ever coming here is there is moderately good school systems. Never mind the rednecks, terrible weather, and nothing to do—the schools are good! Not everyone is a redneck, that’s an exaggeration. But there are a lot of people who have very distinct red-neck qualities. And don’t let me get started on the weather. The summers are dreadfully hot and the winters are freezing. I’ve grown up here all my life, and I’m still not used to it.  But there are … some good things. We’ve discovered you can make more money if you put “Lincoln” in front of anything. Hey, we’re the “Land of Lincoln,” why not?! We have a lot of nice parks, as an example one close to me: Lincoln Memorial Gardens. Lookie there, two of the things mention rolled into one! The cornfields I grew up next to are constantly being cut up and houses are always being built, for we have such a good school system here everyone is just flocking in. For now, it’s a relatively nice place to raise you little ones. But in another ten, twenty years it’ll be vastly overcrowded. We’ll be like a new Chicago! Oh joy!

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