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See also: sweet stadium; dessert stamp; [parking ticket]

Mount St. Mary's High School is a great place to experience [college life]...if you have the ability to erase four (to six) years of memory from your brain.  Apart from the tremendous athletic facilities, a parking Nazi, inexpensive meal plans, and a wonderful core curriculum, the Mount offers you the chance to really discover your inner asshole.  Located in the scenic villa of Emmitsburg, the Mount offers a community atmosphere where [everybody knows your name]...and everyone you ever hooked up with.  If promiscuity or blacking out is your intended major, you definitely want an application form (don't worry, you don't need any previous education to get in).  If there's one word to describe this incredible academic institution it is: awkward.  Everywhere [you go] someone is bound to say something behind your back or yell it across the cafeteria (poor mop girl).
If these advantages haven't piqued your interest, I'm sure that you can't say no to the chance to join a clique that you thought you had to leave in high school.  There are several to choose from: any athletic team, the smoke-on-the-stairs squad, the God squad/Wellness, etc.
As far as the student body is concerned, you may not want to look.  The girls are hottt and the guys are the nicest ones around...HA!  Girls: skinny in the fall, plump in the spring, no dessert stamp is safe.  There is no [Freshman 15] at this school...better make it 30.  Get a little booze in the system and no penis is safe.  Guys:  like loud rap music (85% white), steroids, and [freshman girls] (a lot).  If you plan on finding a future husband/wife here, good luck.
Well, I'm sure this definition has provided enough incentive to make you throw your hands in the air in excitement for America's oldest [independent] college...ahem university.  If you've decided to continue your academic endeavors at this institution, make sure you bring lots of money to buy lots of Busch Light and cigarettes.  Maybe I'll see you around the Mount and we can hang out with "Bitter Beer Face" and the rest of Public Safety at the apartments.  Peace out.

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