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The ultimate sign of affection in a relationship, Rusty Nailz is the act of assuming a position on all fours, parting arse cheeks as widely as possible, and allowing your partner to scratch your sphincter.

Not for the faint hearted, Rusty Nailz should only be attempted with utmost trust. To perform correctly, recipients should thrust their sphincter high into the air and use both hands to part arse cheeks, as this is the only way to reach the rustiest corners.

Rusty Nailz should be treated with extreme care and should be conducted under controlled conditions, with windows closed in case of sudden bird or insect entry and finger nail length capped at 18.5mmx16.0mm to avoid soft tissue damage. Under no circumstances should Rusty Nailz be attempted during menstruation, with severe cases creating a Halloween-type finger effect.

While the origins of the Rusty Nail are not known, it is believed that the western world was introduced during the Anglo-Nepalese War, as Gurkhas were observed being honoured with what the locals referred to as Īśvarīya aunlā (“the divine digit”). Now the Rusty Nail is a treasured act between couples worldwide, and is celebrated yearly at an international festival where the best exponents are awarded “The Brass Nail”: the highest honour in shared sphincter scratching. Records detail one recipient of the honour from Altausee, Austria, who lasted 48 weeks without wiping, before celebrating his trophy by changing his name to Max Rüst.

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