Jesesus (ja-zee-ziss)

An incurable disease obtained by coming in close contact with any man named Jesus. Originating in Mexico, the illness has spread to North America, Europe, Asia, Africa and Antarctica. It has been known to cause: Burning, irratation, inflamation, redness, restlessness, uncontrolable movements, loss of appetite, stomach pain or bloating, gas, indigestion, weight gain or loss, dry mouth, excessive saliva in the mouth, tongue pain, change in the ability to taste food, swollen lips, acne, hair loss, unusual discomfort in cold temperatures, constipation, depression, joint or muscle pain, brittle fingernails or hair, tiredness, shaking, muscle weakness, stiffness, twitching, tightness, loss of coordination, diarrhea, vomiting, excessive thirst, frequent urination, giddiness, ringing in the ears, jerky movements, blackouts, seizures, slurred speech, irregular or pounding heartbeat, chest tightness, confusion, hallucinations, crossed eyes, discolored fingers and toes, headache, pounding noises inside the head, changes in vision, paleness, itching, rash, swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, throat, hands, feet, ankles or lower legs, increased thoughts of cannibalism, retraction of testicles, increased rate of hair growth, excretion of live caterpillars of butterflies and sudden urge to play the accordion. If you have any or all of these symptoms you should alert your doctor immediately.